It's my little sister's birthday today.

Happy Birthday, Monkey!!!

Most of the time, I'm happy living out here on my own, but sometimes I just really miss my family. A lot. Today would be one of those days. I wish I could be there to hang out with my sisters and help them grow up (not that I'd be much help, as I'm barely a grown up myself). I wish I could at least fly out there for a week to visit, and give them birthday gifts and their long awaited Christmas presents (I'm allergic to the post office, okay? Give me a break). But alas, I'm stuck here with my crap job, because I have no car and no money saved to move out of this little rectum of a city.

Thank Jeebus for my friends.

In other news, my kittens are spooning together on the bed, and I've never wanted a boyfriend more in my life. Seriously. My fucking CATS get cuddle ackshun while I sit on the couch, console myself with some Half Baked Ben and Jerry's and watch old eps of Sex and the City. How fucking pathetic. And cliche, at that.

I frequently see other girls, and wonder how in the world they can get boyfriends, and I'm left being perpetually single. Honestly. I'm cute, smart, funny, and more than a little kinky. What vital element am I missing? Hell, there's a girl at my work who is the bitchiest bitch to ever bitch and looks a bit like a trucker, and yet her boyfriend? Cute and nice as can be.

I think this self-imposed pity party has been brought about by the fact that P is now officially dating someone, and she was my sister in singledom. I'm now left alone in the world, and I'm cold and hungry and *tiny voice* I think there are wolves after me.

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Alright, D-Landers. I'm fucking disgusted. I went on a search for a Franz Ferdinand ring, and there ISN'T one. The hell? There are entire rings devoted to farts and fascism, but no Franz Ferdinand? That is absolutely despicable. Shame on all of you Gold Members (heh) for abusing your power to create and destroy rings. Have you no decency? No consideration? No respect for us lowly, common freeloaders? Have you no shame?

Tsk. Tsk.

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Dear B,

Let's get this straight. When someone is telling a story about how she has to pretend that she loves all her other horses more than one particular horse in order to trick it into wanting to be rode, DO NOT liken the story to girls or, more specifically, me. Even though that's exactly how I feel about you. I don't like having my feelings pinpointed so exactly, especially when they're stupid and immature.

Also, I just don't like being compared to a horse. For any reason.

Thanks.

S.

Dear Mr. Sark,

How is your summer, my darling? Not good, I suppose, being locked up in CIA custody and all. I hope they're keeping that awful Mr. Vaughn away from you. Don't worry. We'll make him pay once I break you out. Nobody messes with your face and gets away with it, baby.

Looking forward to all the sex once you’re free again. Really. A lot.

Yours to do with as you please,

Sarah

Dear Pretty Nick,

Um, do me a favour. The next time you’re going to disappear and come back looking all kinds of fine, warn a girl first. You nearly gave me a heart attack today. In the good way. I really like the new ‘Sweaty Hot Construction Worker’ look you’ve got going for you now. Gold star.

And just so you know, my shower is always free if you ever need a place to clean up. Unfortunately, there’s no lock on the door. Actually, there’s no door. Or shower curtain. But, that’s cool, right?

Call me,

Sarah

Dear Laney,

OMFGPRETTYNICK’SSOHOTRIGHTNOW!!!!11ONE!!

*drool*,

The Future Mrs. Pretty Nick

Dear Flip Flops,

We love you. You’re so cute and stylish, yet affordable and comfortable. We love your stripey brown straps, and the little stars on your tags, and how you are the perfect size 6. Never leave us.

All our love,

Sarah’s Feet

Dear Mr. A-Hole Customer,

Drop fucking dead. I hope you get cancer, so that you, in fact, know that there are worse things in life than getting charged an extra $1.75 a month for a standard fee that EVERY OTHER AT&T WIRELESS CUSTOMER HAS TO PAY. There is absolutely no need to call me a lying whore, or to yell at me until my ears want to jump off and run away from my head.

See you in hell,

Your Customer Care Representative

Dear Franz Ferdinand,

I heart you with all my being, but if I catch you on “Much on Demand” (Canadian TRL) ever again, we’re through. Comprends? Fantastique.

Much love and affection,

Miss Black

Dear Sethela,

I miss you. Again. Some more. Hope things are well in Tahiti, or wherever the fuck you sailed off to. Just remember, you love Summer. And if you break her heart, I may have to beat on you a little bit.

But we can still make out afterwards.

Come back soon.

Sarahla

Dear Calgary Flames,

Just wanted to let you know that weeks after your defeat by Tampa, I’m still reveling in your misery. Ha ha haaaa.

All my burning eternal hate,

Sarah (Oilers Fan 4 Life)

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Miss Black also contributes to a David Anders/Sark site under the name Chaton Espion. Feel free to visit her there if you'd like to witness the terrifying depths of obsession.