I was watching TV last night, having nothing to do, nowhere to go, etc. Late night television cracks me up.

*flick*

A guy in a bathtub. Interesting. His knees are pulled into his chest and he's peering out at me through long dark strands of soaking hair. He looks forlorn. An old man enters, wearing thick glasses and a threadbare robe. I realize that I am hovering on Showcase right now, and that at any moment, this could turn into an anal rape scene, but I keep watching, curious to see where this is going. The old man is peeing. He finishes and turns towards the young man, asking if he feels any better. The young man is silent. The old man approaches the tub, repeating the question, then halts. Rage transforms his face, as he shouts "Disgusting habit! Shitting in the water!" He grabs a towel from the floor, and proceeds to beat the young man, who has not moved, has not even blinked. At first, I think, it couldn't have hurt, but as the towel becomes weighted with bathwater, it might feel like the sting of a whip. The young man is cringing, but still does not move. Water and shit are flying everywhere. I change the channel.

*flick*

"I have a planet of regret on my shoulders." Ah, Ethan Hawke. I think I only truly, deeply loved you in "Reality Bites". Yes, you've been better looking in other films, but nowhere else did you ever convey the smoldering angst I so crave.

*flick*

Hmph. Never have I seen so much time devoted to someone with so little of value or importance to say. I loathe you, Britney Spears.

*flick*

I am terrified by Michael Jackson.

*flick*

No, really. He's right up there with my fear of clowns.

*flick*

I'm sure I will see his mugshot in my worst nightmares for the next nine years.

*flick*

Oooh, Spanish porn. I have to admit I stop on this for a few minutes. It's quite funny. The dubbed voices are really bad, the ooohing and aaahing and slurpy noises not matching up with the onscreen action. I am horribly disturbed that someone out there thinks that if a man kidnaps a woman from her apartment building, blindfolds her, and ties her up, she'll go from a terrified, screaming hostage to a horny, screaming slut the minute you start going down on her. Sickos.

*flick*

I am watching a very bad music video. Hey "Jacynth", if you're reading this: Fire your image consultant. You look like you just rolled out of a truckbed that has only recently been vacated by pigs. Also, take some voice lessons. And your boney ass is too skinny, even by Hollywood standards, to be wearing those pants.

*flick*

SNL really has gone down the crapper this year. Well, further down. Britney and Halle are contemplating "the love that dare not speak it's name." Or should I say, "the love that will increase your publicity just in time for your record release/movie." And can I just say that lesbian chic is so last year. Everyone knows that boy-on-boy is the new black.

*flick*

*flick*

*flick*

At this point, I give up and go to bed.

Miss Black

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Miss Black also contributes to a David Anders/Sark site under the name Chaton Espion. Feel free to visit her there if you'd like to witness the terrifying depths of obsession.